I don’t work, but I never get a day off.
The morning comes quick, before I know it I’m struggling out of bed to greet a bright-eye’d almost 14 month old. The day begins with kisses, morning prep, feeding bags, medication and of course, paw patrol. – This seems pretty decent, right? well, that’s because it is. I don’t go to work, I’m blessed to stay at home with my baby – but I also never get a day off, I don’t have sick days, call-out days, vacation days or really any other choice.
Gotta pee? better hurry. Dishes? they gotta wait. Shower? forget it. Run errands – is it worth the hassle of loading everything up, and can I pick a store that accommodates the trip?
Some days the hours drag as I try thousands of different things to occupy my child’s time, to stimulate her mind and help her development. Other days, I am constantly playing catch up, I can’t get her to play – or move from the tv. I fall behind on feeds, I fall behind on errands, house chore. It doesn’t matter what the day entails, it eventually comes to an end, and after a little bedtime fight, she’s asleep.
The house gets clean, laundry organized, dishes done, a shower is finally half-ass’d achieved and the formula for the next day is prepped – and now I’m exhausted and ready to get the four-five hours of sleep before the morning greeting.
The first year is the hardest, for a child with special needs – but it’s also the hardest for a special needs mom. My child is a few weeks shy from fourteen months and can only sit, she can’t go from sitting to laying or vice versa, she can’t crawl or talk, she’s developmentally still at a 5 month old stage. This causes time to literally stand still.
But, this is the life I wanted – this is the life I prayed for. I don’t mean to complain, I know it sounds as I am though – the truth is, I am so thankful for my daughter and for every moment I am able to spend with her. I just get tired, I loose my patience, I feel guilty for not doing enough, for her struggle. I feel guilty for not knowing how to help her more, for being tired when my spouse comes home and for complaining about what some people would give anything to have.
I keep going, but I don’t ever seem to get anywhere. I remember when I was a young, I’d sit in front of the ocean for hours to free my overwhelmed mind – now I couldn’t imagine making the five minute drive, let alone staying awake long enough to free my mind. I remember when life was a little more simple, a little more easy-going… but then I remember the days I prayed for the things I have now, and this life is what I wanted – what I needed.
So, I anxiously wait to struggle out of bed to my morning greeter. I will also try to remember that I may not physically go to work, and I may not get a day off, but when you do something you love, (and I do love being a SAH mom) – you’ll never work a day in your life.