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A subconscious guilt;

images“I should have woken up this morning, my hair perfect and my babies outfit layed out. I should have had dinner ready promptly at five for my wife, who worked all day. I should have had my daily chores done and errands completed by noon, so I could spend the rest of the day playing and helping our new family member grow and develop.”  – Said no mom ever.

The day McKenzie was born ( which was only 7 months ago) I immediately experienced baby blues, followed by guilt – a lot of guilt, that has only gotten worse. I don’t think my guilt is the same as other first-time mom’s though, I don’t feel bad if I wake up at the same time as McKenzie, I don’t feel bad if dinner is done on time – or at all.

Sometimes, I wish I did feel the simple guilt of a new mom – And, that makes me feel even worse. Today, as I sat in the Emergency Department with McKenzie for the ten-thousandth time, I was overwhelmed with guilt. I held my 7 month old as they poked for blood and urine, I looked into her water-filled blue eyes and felt responsible for every tear that fell. download

I know it’s foolish, I know she doesn’t blame me – but how can I not blame myself? I wanted a baby, so selfishly as I knew the struggles she would endure. I wish I could help her though, I wish I could figure out why she’s not feeling good – again. I wish I could find the right doctor to listen and help me figure it out. I feel guilty for not trying harder.

But, this won’t prevent me from trying to be the best mom I can be – even if I’m a new mom, a special needs mom… or a mom with an overwhelming subconscious guilt.

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