We have been consumed with appointments and news throughout the last few weeks. After the hospital in Daytona found our daughters heart defect, our pregnancy went from normal to high risk. Dr. Cortez transferred most of my care to Winnie Palmer in Orlando where we have been receiving ultrasounds and preparing for a high-risk birth. Today, we had our first fetal-echo appointment across the street at Arnold Palmer. Arnold Palmer is basically attached to Winnie and just as big, beautiful and overwhelming.
I remember when I use to get excited for our appointments, and now I can barely tolerate the continued undesirable news these appointments bring. Today, our fetal-echo confirmed our daughters heart defect. “Complete Atrioventricular Canal Defect” “Heart Disease” “Congenital Heart Defect“, genetic related, down-syndrome and eventually everything the doctor was saying became background noise.
There’s no way to explain how much my heart hurts. I have found myself unable to accept this as our new lives to be. Are we strong enough to withstand the storm this will cause? Will our baby need open heart surgery right away? Will I be able to care for a baby with so many medical needs? I barely understand the medical terms that were explained today. The emotions are overwhelming and every ride back from Orlando is silent as we both are finding our own ways to digest the news.
We decided to announce it to our family and friends and have been overwhelmed with encouraging words and support and some shock. The hardest part is not having anyone close to us understand and when we see our friend’s beautiful healthy, perfect children – it’s hard not to feel resentment. It’s hard not to get angry which is instantly followed by guilt for feeling these emotions. I don’t know what our baby is going to be, but I know I will love her endlessly. – that should be a good enough plan, right?