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So close, but still too far.

 

Last night, with hope in my heart, I said my prayers and snuggled next to my wife and puppy. The morning came quick and I immediately grabbed my phone, hoping for an email from the doctor; and just as I expected, there was one.
“I’m sorry, your test was negative” and the little hope I was trying so hard to hold onto, I let go. I looked at my wife as she laid there, still asleep with hope in her heart. I suppose I half way expected this, but I also couldn’t resist the excitement of a it working. I think the hardest is – I had a positive test, but negative blood work. It seems that it was a chemical pregnancy or the trigger shot stayed in my system longer than most. I don’t honestly know but I do know my heart is heavy.
I told myself, regardless of the outcome I would stay strong, I wouldn’t cry and I would go on with the day the best way I could- and that’s what I intended on doing. I forced myself out of bed and tried to focus on anything but what was on my mind – until we got to work and there was nothing to focus on, no orders to make and nothing to distract me. Suddenly, it all hit at once. I can’t stop imagining Nikki’s face when I had the positive test, I felt like I finally did it, I finally gave her a glimpse of hope that our dreams were really coming true.
And just like clockwork, my period has arrived. I think about everything I’ve done in the past two weeks, things I’ve said or thought quietly to myself; was I not thankful enough? Were my prayers to selfish? Did I stress myself out? Should I have stopped taking my medicine sooner? Did I cause this to happen to us, again?
 As we settled down after work, I told Nikki I was starting to lose faith. I sat on the couch, holding back tears as she leaned in, held my hand and told me her faith was strong enough for us both. We had to keep faith in God’s plan. It’s much easier said than done but her faith has been the only thing keeping me together. When I started this blog, she encouraged my every post. Our journey has been full of obstacles and seems to only become more intense, but I can say – there’s nobody else I’d rather run this course with.
I don’t know what our next step is; I can only assume more fertility medicine, scans, hormonal days and waiting, a lot more waiting. But tonight, I have to feel; I have to get through the emotional rollercoaster I signed up for and tomorrow I have to be ok, because life has to go on.
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