The beginning

Order up!

The fertility drugs I am currently taking have incredibly annoying side effects. Thankfully, after a five day dose – I finished the Clomid last night! I started this week with very little thoughts about what would come of this, as a matter of fact; I’ve focused on everything and anything I could in order to ensure I didn’t obsess over the medication, the side effects or the results. Unfortunately, there was one day that I just couldn’t deal with the overwhelming emotions and found myself crying for hours. Sometimes, I don’t know whether the Clomid makes me emotional or if the process makes me emotional, either way; it’s really hard. I am thankful for the understanding of my wife who has stuck by my side through and through, the hugs when she didn’t know what to do and the ability to see a brighter side when I just couldn’t.

Last night, we went to bed with knots in our stomachs, as we didn’t know what today would bring. My ultrasound was at 8am and her doctors at 2pm, both extremely important appointments. When we got to my appointment, I was hesitant as I didn’t know what to expect after my follicles had fallen short last month. Luckily, we got into the exam room quick and found several matured follicles; whereas I only had one the previous month. Of course;  I immediately started wondering the possibility of it being our month, the tech. wouldn’t be able to answer this for me though. So, after the exam we went into another room and waited for the doctor. We rambled a bit of nonsense, but minutes felt like hours and we were becoming impatient. ( even though it had only been 15 minutes or so)

The doctor finally came in, with my results in his hand we watched every gesture he made. He asked how our day was and explained the results. He then said, “Let’s do your trigger shot tomorrow, and the insemination on Wednesday.” followed with “It’s time to order the man in the can”, we still laugh at that remark as it was just the amount of humor we needed. We felt strongly about trying this month, so when it was confirmed by the doctor I can’t explain the amount of joy that ran through us. Of course, our day wasn’t over yet and while we were extremely happy with our first appointment, the nerves of the second appointment continued.

When two o’clock came, we were escorted to a small waiting room where the doctor would eventually make her way. The appointment wasn’t as clear as we had hoped; after the doctor felt the lumps on Nikki, she suggested a mammogram because – even though she didn’t think it was cancer, she couldn’t rule it out. This news has left us with a little anxiety but with the doctor’s positivity, we felt as everything would be ok.

While our entire journey has been a series of ups and downs, today felt like one of the highest days we’ve had. We decided to take a break from our day and grab a little lunch, while we waited on our food –  we began talking about life and what we wanted to happen, how we wanted it to happen and then it caught up to us; there we were – wishing, hoping, making plans, creating images of what could be without what was. That was the worst part about the letdown; having an image of what was supposed to be and accepting what was. As we finished our lunch, I felt aggravated with myself; why was I doing this to myself again? Getting my hopes up, thinking about this and wondering about that, of course, Nikki noticed right away and while we went into the store for a friends birthday gift, she nonchalantly walked to a baby item and pointed it out, without making plans, without setting expectations. She knew I wanted to have all of these hopes and wanted to do nothing but talk about the possibilities, that’s why I love her, that’s why we work; she knows just the right thing to do in order to comfort my emotions even when I can’t express what my emotions are.

So, while today was a great day for the books, it’s not the end yet.

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