I always knew the road I was taking would be a little more difficult. I remember the day I met her, I certainly wasn’t sure if it would work out but we decided to give it a try. The truth is; It was complete hell – we were in two very different chapters of our lives and neither of us were much ready for a commitment.
I’d be lying if I said I never considered an easier road. Of course I tried to be “normal”, but struggled to make the emotional connection. After the failures of my previous relationships, I was completely taken back on Christmas of 2013 when Nikki stood in front of my family and asked me to “spend forever” with her.
Suddenly, I was engaged and in true bride-zilla fashion, our wedding was planned in just three months. The day was beautiful, we were showered with love and support from our families and friends as we danced and sang the night away, the most memorable night of our lives.
I never believed the phrase “time flies when you’re having fun”, but two in a half years later – I was a living example. Life was great, we took vacations twice a year – spent our days working together and our nights were endless with music and friends. But, the one thing missing was our next step; a family.
We knew it wouldn’t be easy but we also knew it wasn’t impossible, we had a plan and we wanted a family – we wanted a baby. Artificial home inseminations, donor after donor, trash cans full of ovulation and pregnancy tests, surgeries and endless prayers – our life was great but was beginning to stand still.
I never imagined wanting children until I lost an ovary during an unexpected emergency surgery. It seems every month we tried to conceive ends in the hospital as I developed intense abdominal pain. The signs were obvious, maybe a family isn’t for us – but, I developed an overwhelming passion in my heart to carry a child –
After 2.5 years, we finally began to accept that having a family may never happen.
I made an appointment with the OB-GYN in June of 2016, By July 20th I was preparing for surgery. The doctor found severe endometriosis, more cysts and a tumor on my remaining ovary. The procedure went well and followed with a biopsy.
A week later, we returned to the doctors for my follow-up; neither of us expected the doctor to ask our plans for children. I immediately looked to Nikki, who was sitting in the chair beside the bed. I examined her face for any reaction, any indication of what she was feeling. I suggested we let some time pass, but the doctor said time was limited and sent us home to discuss it.
I’ll always remember the feeling of hope creeping back into our lives. Nikki looked to me and said “Babe, we will figure it out, I want a family and you will resent me for not trying, we have to at least try.” But how were we going to afford this? Insurance won’t cover elective procedures. If IUI was affordable, we would have done it the several times we tried from home. Our credit isn’t ideal for a loan and we only had a tiny amount saved. We had this amazing opportunity and no way of taking it.
A few days passed as we continued to weigh our options. The California Sperm Bank was recommended, we reviewed the prices of profiles, sperm, storage, shipping, ultrasounds, fertility drugs and amount of times we could try. We had fifteen-hundred dollars, but Nine thousand dollars was the minimum of what we needed. It wasn’t easy, but Thank God for Angels. My Grandparents, who had personal experience with infertility were the only people I felt comfortable asking for help from. It was a long shot – but I typed up an email and sent it to the man in my life, my Papa.
I received a response within a day, he invited us to talk about it. We drove the few blocks to their house prepared with paperwork, prices and budgets. It wasn’t a long visit, hell – it was one of the shortest visits I had with them. They agreed to help and asked us to meet them at the bank the following day. Eight Thousand Dollars later, we picked the donor, paid for the storage and made the appointment.
I started taking Clomid right away, my hormones were a mess – the Pregnyl shot was impossible to find and once we found it – it was impossible to afford. Our first ultrasound showed minimum follicles – the first round of fertility treatments failed. My clomid dosage is being raised and the Pregnyl is now available and (with coupons) affordable –
They say just relax, it’ll happen; but will it? Will it happen if I just relax? Will it happen if I stress? Will it happen if we laugh about it, pray about it, cry about it, fight about it or ignore it.. does it really matter? Is God watching us, waiting for us to act in a certain manner to provide us with this gift? Would it happen had we done something different in our lives?
My questions are endless. So, I’ve decided to join a few support groups and create a blog – Maybe it won’t bring us a family any sooner, but hopefully sharing our Journey will help someone else going through a similar situation.
We have enough savings to try two-three times, with one month behind us – we’re ready for another try.